Time differences aren’t necessarily the best because I end up getting really drunk and talking to people who are sober and it’s probably too early in the day for them to hear me spew that shit, even if it’s true.
Anyways, we’re leaving Mardin and headed to the sea today, towards Konya. I just want to get on the bus so j can listen to music and daydream.
What a strange
I don’t understand the way that emotions can control you because I want to pick and choose how and when.
My anxieties are making me terrified to live another moment and if surrendering is what will make me feel better just let the tears fucking roll off my face so I can feel the satisfaction that comes with the fear being released.
I’m having trouble entertaining the idea of “letting feelings go” when I have learned to recognize the feelings that I want to hold on to.
Stepping foot into that temple after being lost and so close to death in a country where no one knew my name I had the idea of being able to control your emotions shattered as I fell to the ground in tears. I unabashedly lifted my head up to listen to the ethereal chants flowing seamlessly from the mouths of the monks and wondered how one can feel this way always.
Everything and nothing at once (this is cheesy but so honest).
I have had moments since then that have reminded me of all that I am and am not able to feel, but I can’t seem to bring myself to lay down and truly remember the way I resonated with all that had happened, was happening, and had yet to come like I did that day.
And every single fucking time I see the tattered bracelet tied by a monk on my wrist I question the ontological view and natural attitude I have adopted to simply “get by.”